April 29

I had a super stressful day today!  I had a world religions test, and we played this game in English about character names.  I used all of my free blocks studying for everything; so I only got to work on my project during block five.  I made three candleholders.  I only really like one of them.  I’m going to make more tomorrow.  But it’s good to have a lot anyways.

            After ceramics I got really super stressed and I think I had an anxiety attack.  My heart started beating really fast all of a sudden and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  So I just went home after my world religions test.  It was about Judaism.  I feel like it went well, even though I was super stressed out.

            I still feel really anxious.  I feel like this should be the easiest time of the year, but I’ve just been all over the place.  I feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to, even though that doesn’t really make any sense.  I have my senior project coming out well, I’m graduating, I have the summer coming up.  But none of it really feels real at all.  I just have some sorting out to do.  I’ve been feeling really disconnected.  For about a week.  I guess I just have to pinpoint what the problem is so that I can figure it out, but that seems so daunting because all of the borders seem really blurred to me right now.  I don’t even know where to start.  It’s like the grout isn’t holding the bricks together anymore and everything’s just floating around in space and out of control. 

            I was studying for our English game during the first two blocks of the day, so I didn’t get to come in to ceramics early in the morning, so the kiln didn’t get turned on.  Hopefully it’ll get it started tomorrow, and then everything will be out before the end of the week.  There’s something to look forward to.  I loaded the kiln all by myself this time, which is kind of stressful because I’m worried that I forgot to do something I was supposed to or I did something wrong.  But I think all is well and I’m just over analyzing.  I always do that to myself.  Even if I know that everything is fine, I create little situations in my head where I’ve done something horribly wrong.