April 30

Today was ridiculous.  I’ve never been so emotional.  I had a really rough morning, just because of annoying 18-year-old girl issues.  I just realized that I couldn’t deal with the rest of the day, and since English was my only class I decided to go home.  I’ve been feeling really in between things recently.  I went to coffee o, where I work, and I sat outside and started writing, to try to articulate to myself how I was feeling.  I wrote ten pages in my notebook, and I was sitting outside for so long that I have this huge sunburn on my arms.  One of my really good friends from work came and sat with me and we talked about how I was feeling and it really just turned everything around.  I’ve never gone from feeling so down to so happy and positive. 

            I was feeling increasingly like I was an actual crazy person, like I was really worried that I was dreaming and that one day I was just going to wake up from this.  I had a dream that I was a heroin addict living in London and I started to feel like maybe that was real and I was going to wake up from this in some London hospital and it will all have been a dream.  I was feeling like there was another reality and my head was in one and my body was in the other.  I think that my problem was that I’ve just felt so disconnected.  I feel like I’m somehow separate from everything that’s going on around me.  But this afternoon I totally came back to reality and I feel like everything is looking up.  The name of my blog is Looks Like Up, which is from a line that goes “I’ve been down so long it looks like up to me.”  It’s also the title of my favorite book.  But I felt like that I guess.  And I was worried that I was just too down.  But it all seems to have turned around, really quickly.  I worry that maybe my good feeling isn’t going to last because it came on so fast.  It feels so good to write about how you’re feeling.  It’s totally my new coping mechanism.  And talking about it all, too.  It doesn’t feel good to talk about it when you don’t want to though.  It’s too much pressure.  It’s okay not to talk about everything all the time.

Tomorrow we have the day of service, and hopefully on Thursday everything will feel like it’s back to normal.